It seems like if you have a beer blog, you do beer reviews. For some reason, you feel like your opinions are more important than the massive amount of reviews that exist on BeerAdvocate and Ratebeer. You feel like your opinions deserve their own page on the world wide interwebs.

Well, here at STL Hops, we’re better than that. We have opinions, but about really stupid shit. We feel that there’s one important aspect lost in the world of beer reviews: the beer label. So begins a new series where we breakdown label art. First up is Sierra Nevada Hoptimum.

Sierra Nevada Hoptimum Label

A PORTMANTEAU! We know this beer is going to be good right off the bat because they did that cute little thing where they combined the word “hop” with another word. But what part of the hops is optimum? The optimum number of hops? The optimum variety of hops? EXPLAIN YOURSELF DAMN IT!

Moving on, we see hop vines surrounding a portrait of what appears to be a man from the 1820s whose head is a whole-cone hop. First of all, I wasn’t alive in the 1820s, so I have no idea if this man actually existed, but if he did exist, I’m really surprised he got to be as old as he looks.

Imagine a woman giving birth to a baby whose head was a whole-cone hop? I think the 1800s is just not a time and place where that baby would be welcomed into the world. They’d probably bring in the town doctor and at first he’d be like “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” Then he’d try to pour whiskey on it, because that was the cure for everything back then. Maybe he tried to rub some honey on it too, I don’t know.

Then they’d most likely kill the baby, or dump it in the woods, after it was determined that he was an abomination of nature. After a short trial, they would then hang the woman in the public square, because she had improper relations with foliage (plant sex was a big no-no in the 1800s). So what I’m getting at here is, maybe this is just a drawing, and not an actual person that existed.

Under the portrait, we see the phrase “The Ultimate Whole-Cone Hop Experience.” I don’t know about you, but this phrase makes me think about porn. Anytime a company can successfully link their product to porn in a subtle way like this, it is guaranteed to fly off shelves. You really think we bought Sno Balls as kids because they tasted good? No, we bought them because they look like boobs. It’s not our fault, it’s science.

Since I already know Sierra Nevada Pale Ale is good, and I can presume, with the name, the gratuitous amount of the color green used, and the mysterious hop head man portrait, that this beer is a much hoppier version of that, I’m going to buy it.

9.1 / 10 on the Buyability Scale™.