It’s been a long time coming, but here we are again to review a beer label. This should go about as well as Brett Favre playing for the Jets. Today we’re reviewing Santa Fe Imperial Java Stout.

Santa Fe Imperial Java Stout

Let me start off by saying, if you’re in the group of people that believe stouts are not summer beers, then kindly fuck off and stop reading. I’ll never understand this line of thinking. Do you stop eating soup in the summer? Do you stop drinking coffee? Do penguins just kill themselves before summer hits? No. Quit perpetuating this bullshit.

We see a very minimalist approach with this label of a solid brown color and few words. The implication here is, before noon, we drink our coffee and then after noon, we drink beer. Well, that might work for some people, but in the real world, we can’t just drink whenever we want. Most of us have jobs and families and responsibilities. This is already pissing me off and wishing I was back in college.

Java stout, huh? Are you one of those people that use the word java in place of coffee? Fuck you. I bet you also call it a “cup of joe” don’t you? Are you enjoying Joe’s jizz in your coffee? Did you know that Java is an actual place? It’s another one of those exotic islands that’s beautiful to spend a week in but is hot garbage otherwise. The only mode of transportation is a damn water buffalo and their shitty currency goes in increments of like 10,000 with pictures of dudes with machetes on them. I don’t think you want your beer associated with this hell hole.

And finally, let’s talk about the predominant color on this can: brown. Maybe it’s just me (and it usually is), but when I think of coffee I think of poop. Coffee is a proven laxative and it’s impossible to think about coffee and not wonder about the resulting butt nuggets. If you work in an office, you are well aware of the state of the bathroom and the symphony of shits that occur in the late morning. Imagine having to deal with that on Java where everybody just defecates in the neighborhood turd pond.

So here we have a label that wants us to drink 10 hours out of the day while reminding us of the consequential ass sneeze. This might be popular among alcoholic Indonesians, but I’m just a boring Midwestern dad, so I’ll move on to something else.