Do you like beer? Me too. Let’s hold hands. We continue this always insightful series with Left Hand Polestar Pilsner.

 Left Hand Polestar Pilsner

Sometimes, the Earth tilts towards the sun in a way that it gets really fucking hot in St. Louis. When it’s really fucking hot, your beer choices tend to change. Your body tends to find lighter beers, like pilsners, more refreshing during this time period. After all, scientists have proven that drinking stouts and porters in the middle of the summer is the number 1 contributor to swamp ass, so STAY AWAY!

So now you’re in the beer store, with a small case of swamp ass (or did you just not wipe good enough? Sometimes it’s hard to tell.), and you’re looking for a pilsner. It’s not hard to see why you might be drawn to this particular one. First of all, the name alone cools you down. Polestar, aka Polaris, aka the North Star. Follow the polestar and you’ll eventually end up at the North Pole, the coldest place on Earth.

You know how Fast Eddie’s brags about having the coldest beer in town? Well, fuck Fast Eddie. Left Hand wants me to make this beer North Pole cold, so I’m going to dip this shit in liquid nitrogen! Nothing makes a 105 degree day feel better than when you’re sipping on a liquid nitrogen cold beer.

But where do you get liquid nitrogen? Make your own! You just need a pop-tart (any flavor), 4 oz of Diet Squirt, and 1 bottle of Vicks VapoRub. Mix these in a blender until the blender breaks. The coolest part about this recipe is that, if you add 1 can of Stag, you just made meth. Meth is another great way to cool down on a hot summer night!

I gravitate towards this label because it also makes me think about space. Space is really fucking cool. There are some really smart dudes and maybe a lady or two (but definitely not this one) that are paid to think about space all the time and we still don’t understand it! Hell, people are still arguing about whether or not Pluto is a planet AND THAT’S IN OUR OWN SOLAR SYSTEM! To put that in perspective, if the entire universe was in a strip club, that would be like arguing about one of the stripper’s pubes.

I once asked a scientist if he thought we would ever find the end of the universe. You know what he said? I can’t remember, I was drunk. That’s exactly what this beer is for: stop the swamp ass, cool down, get drunk, and talk about space like you’re a goddamn astrophysicist, but then forget everything. Hell, that “scientist” was probably a stripper at PT’s.

9.1 / 10 on the Buyability Scale™.