We’re back with another edition of Loving On Labels, the series that Todd Akin once said caused him to have “legitimate laughter.” I think that’s a good thing? Next up we’re taking a look at Founders Red’s Rye.

Founders Red's Rye Label

OH SHIT! IT’S A GHOST! I’m no marketing expert, but I think “Don’t scare your customers!” is one of the first rules you learn in Intro to Marketing. Believe it or not, this wasn’t a rule back in the 1970s when Pepto-Bismol decided they would put the girl from “The Exorcist” in their commercials. I talk to people today that still freak the fuck out when they see that pink bottle.

There’s a fine line when it comes to ghosts. They can be innocent and fun, like “Ghost Dad,” or they can be downright scary assholes like the ones in “Poltergeist.” I have no way of determining which category this ghost falls into. Did the cameraman get this picture right before the ghost ripped off each of his limbs, made his ears bleed with high pitch noises, and then forced him to watch “Ghost Dad”? Who knows?

If you’re going to put a picture of a ghost on your label, at least give us a little information. Who is the ghost? Will we turn into a ghost if we drink this? Should we do something with this beer to appease the ghost? Last time I bought this, I drowned a hamster in the beer because I thought that’s what the ghost wanted. JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO DAMN IT!

What if this isn’t a ghost, though? What if it’s just a drawing of an old guy named Red done in a weird way so it looks like a ghost? I guess that’s possible, but again, Founders offers no explanation. Just put a goddamn asterisk on there and say “NOT A REAL GHOST.” Is that really so much to ask?

I’m really torn with this beer. I like rye pale ales, but this whole “Is it a ghost? Is it not a ghost?” thing is really freaking me out. I mean, if what if this turns into some weird shit like “The Ring” where I have to buy somebody else a six pack of this to avoid being cursed? That just sounds too expensive.

2.3 / 10 on the Buyability Scale™.