Some people say stouts and porters are winter beers. Those people are idiots. The label review series continues with Founders Porter.

Founders Porter

You ever notice how people were much uglier back in the day? I bet this woman was a sexy beast in her time, but now, she’s probably a 6. She and Katy Perry would battle for the 198th most beautiful celebrity.

Hell, people still rave about Marilyn Monroe, but go look at pictures of her. Not that hot, right? She’s lauded as a huge sex symbol, but the truth is, she was a cracked-out skank who once posed naked and was smart enough to memorize a few lines. She was pretty much the Lindsay Lohan of the 1950s.

Hollywood was so obsessed with Marilyn, she got a Golden Globe nomination for her performance in the movie Bus Stop, basically because she was able to pull off a character that wasn’t a complete fucking idiot. It’s really sad to think of how sexually deprived people were back then.

Back to the label, again we see a simple description of what kind of beer is inside the bottle: Porter. Founders then qualifies this porter as “Dark, Rich, & Sexy.” I’m glad they put these words on the label because dark, rich, and sexy are the last things I think of when looking at that picture.

She is quite white and not very sexy. Maybe she’s rich, but she looks like she’s wearing a damn window curtain. I guess just owning a hat was a symbol of wealth in that time, but what the fuck do I know. I think Founders would be helping themselves out by putting a picture of Oprah on this beer. Nothings says dark, rich, and sexy like Oprah.

Founders may have struck out with the creepy picture, but, as noted previously, knowing exactly what kind of beer I’m getting goes a long way in my book. It’s 80 degrees and I’m thirsty for a dark, rich, and sexy porter.

7.3 / 10 on the Buyability Scaleâ„¢.