Due to technical difficulties, last week’s label review wasn’t able to stay posted. In the words of the website administrator “It’s too awesome to stay up because it may crash the internet.” I certainly wouldn’t want that to happen. So hopefully this review is much less awesome so it will stay up long enough for people to read it. Today we breakdown the label for Bell’s Two Hearted Ale.

Bell's Two Hearted Ale

That’s it? The words “Two Hearted Ale” and a fish. Have you ever been fishing? It’s boring. I mean, really fucking boring. First of all, fish only eat between the hours of 5 a.m. and 7 a.m. It’s impossible to catch a fish other than during this time period.

So there you are, waking up at 4:30 a.m. to get on a boat. Boats were invented for people to ski behind and get naked on, but you’re getting on a boat before the sun is even up and will be doing neither. More than likely it’s cold out too and you have to put on a jacket. I should repeat that: YOU’RE ON A BOAT WEARING A JACKET! That makes no sense.

You might be saying, “But Jason, you can drink beer while you’re fishing!” And to that I say, “Quit talking to yourself dipshit, I can’t hear you.” Yes, you can drink beer, but I can think of 230 better situations to drink beer. Drinking a beer while getting your prostate checked would be preferable to this.

After an hour and a half of casting and reeling in, casting and reeling in, you finally get a bite. HOLY SHIT I GOT ONE! You start to real it in like you just landed a giant swordfish. This thing is going to be huge! There it is! It’s a….fucking 6 ounce sunfish. Two hours on a cold boat, no boobs, and all you got was and a 6 ounce fish that’s the pigeon of the fish world.

We are now left with the words “Two Hearted Ale.” Did they use two hearts in brewing the beer? I’m no cannibal, but it would be pretty cool to drink a beer made of hearts. Problem is, I don’t know what kind of flavors to expect out of cardiac muscle. It would probably end up tasting like chicken.

While there may be a significant population of recreational fishers and/or cannibals, I am neither. If I ever wanted to be completely bored while drinking beer, I’d buy this. However, under normal circumstances, I’m going to choose a beer with a label more interesting.

3.5 / 10 on the Buyability Scaleâ„¢.