Welcome STL Hops’ advice column: “Dear Cubby.” For those of you that may not frequent the forums, cubby_swans is one of the first and most vocal curmudgeons on STL Hops. He’s now here to give you a little advice and possibly a swift kick in the teeth. If you have a question for Cubby, you can reach him at cubby@stlhops.com.


Dear Cubby

I was enjoying a super whale lambic and a fly had the nerve to land in my glass and go for a swim.  Flies love to land on poop.  Do I dump this glass?  I am scared.

Dear Scared,

There is probably nothing more better in the beer geek world then finally having a glass of that impossible to get über rare beer.  We’re not talking about common beers like Dark Lord or off the shelf Cantiloons.  We’re talking about that beer  that Jean Van Roy personally spit in, wax dipped, signed the bottle, and hand numbered it 1/1 just for your best beer friend while he was in Belgian on his beercation/honeymoon that his soon to be ex-wife now hates him for.  She might have said she wanted to go, but she didn’t.

Really she wanted to go somewhere where there is sunshine and a white sand beach and an ocean and someone to give her a massage and she really didn’t care if she was going to drink shitty mexican beers and fruity umbrella drinks because everything in the universe doesn’t actually revolve around a fucking sack of hops.  She probably would have blown him every night but he doesn’t care.  He got to drink some good beer instead.

So… you and your friend are sitting there with boners the size of a roll of Smarties and a glass each of spoiled fruit beer.  His wife went to her mothers 3 days ago, but he hasn’t even noticed because he knew a week ago you guys were going to be splitting this beer today.  You’re staring at it… you’re smelling it…. you’re drooling.  You’re taking notes that you can’t wait to upload to your personal database of beer notes.  You already know it’s so rare that it will be the best beer that was ever made. You know people are going to worship your beerness as soon as you tick this beer on Untappd. Your beer accomplishment will be talked about by at least 4 or 5 people for probably several minutes on Twitter.  You will be a beer God.

Then, out of nowhere a fly lands right in your beer.  What do you do?  Flies are gross, right?  They walk around on shit, right?  Do you pretend nothing happened?  Do you dump the beer out so you can evade almost certain E. Coli infection?  I understand your dilemma.  Here’s what you do… man up you fucking nancy boy.  Have you never been in a room with other people?  Are you are in a room with other people right now while reading this?  Well guess what?  You are breathing their anal gasses right now and you’re not dead are you?  According to scientific data, we breathe 1 liter of anal gas every single day.  I don’t think one lousy fly is going to kill you either.  Quit being a pansy ass germaphobe and drink the damn beer.

Cubby

Please send questions to cubby@stlhops.com