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Category: Humor

It’s been a long time coming, but here we are again to review a beer label. This should go about as well as Brett Favre playing for the Jets. Today we’re reviewing Santa Fe Imperial Java Stout.

Santa Fe Imperial Java Stout

Let me start off by saying, if you’re in the group of people that believe stouts are not summer beers, then kindly fuck off and stop reading. I’ll never understand this line of thinking. Do you stop eating soup in the summer? Do you stop drinking coffee? Do penguins just kill themselves before summer hits? No. Quit perpetuating this bullshit.

We see a very minimalist approach with this label of a solid brown color and few words. The implication here is, before noon, we drink our coffee and then after noon, we drink beer. Well, that might work for some people, but in the real world, we can’t just drink whenever we want. Most of us have jobs and families and responsibilities. This is already pissing me off and wishing I was back in college.

Java stout, huh? Are you one of those people that use the word java in place of coffee? Fuck you. I bet you also call it a “cup of joe” don’t you? Are you enjoying Joe’s jizz in your coffee? Did you know that Java is an actual place? It’s another one of those exotic islands that’s beautiful to spend a week in but is hot garbage otherwise. The only mode of transportation is a damn water buffalo and their shitty currency goes in increments of like 10,000 with pictures of dudes with machetes on them. I don’t think you want your beer associated with this hell hole.

And finally, let’s talk about the predominant color on this can: brown. Maybe it’s just me (and it usually is), but when I think of coffee I think of poop. Coffee is a proven laxative and it’s impossible to think about coffee and not wonder about the resulting butt nuggets. If you work in an office, you are well aware of the state of the bathroom and the symphony of shits that occur in the late morning. Imagine having to deal with that on Java where everybody just defecates in the neighborhood turd pond.

So here we have a label that wants us to drink 10 hours out of the day while reminding us of the consequential ass sneeze. This might be popular among alcoholic Indonesians, but I’m just a boring Midwestern dad, so I’ll move on to something else.

We’re back with another edition of Loving On Labels, the series that Todd Akin once said caused him to have “legitimate laughter.” I think that’s a good thing? Next up we’re taking a look at Founders Red’s Rye.

Founders Red's Rye Label

OH SHIT! IT’S A GHOST! I’m no marketing expert, but I think “Don’t scare your customers!” is one of the first rules you learn in Intro to Marketing. Believe it or not, this wasn’t a rule back in the 1970s when Pepto-Bismol decided they would put the girl from “The Exorcist” in their commercials. I talk to people today that still freak the fuck out when they see that pink bottle.

There’s a fine line when it comes to ghosts. They can be innocent and fun, like “Ghost Dad,” or they can be downright scary assholes like the ones in “Poltergeist.” I have no way of determining which category this ghost falls into. Did the cameraman get this picture right before the ghost ripped off each of his limbs, made his ears bleed with high pitch noises, and then forced him to watch “Ghost Dad”? Who knows?

If you’re going to put a picture of a ghost on your label, at least give us a little information. Who is the ghost? Will we turn into a ghost if we drink this? Should we do something with this beer to appease the ghost? Last time I bought this, I drowned a hamster in the beer because I thought that’s what the ghost wanted. JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO DAMN IT!

What if this isn’t a ghost, though? What if it’s just a drawing of an old guy named Red done in a weird way so it looks like a ghost? I guess that’s possible, but again, Founders offers no explanation. Just put a goddamn asterisk on there and say “NOT A REAL GHOST.” Is that really so much to ask?

I’m really torn with this beer. I like rye pale ales, but this whole “Is it a ghost? Is it not a ghost?” thing is really freaking me out. I mean, if what if this turns into some weird shit like “The Ring” where I have to buy somebody else a six pack of this to avoid being cursed? That just sounds too expensive.

2.3 / 10 on the Buyability Scale™.

If you’re looking for a complex analysis of what a good beer label looks like, you’ve come to the wrong place. Today we’re going to take a look at Green Flash West Coast IPA.

Green Flash West Coast IPA

You know, sometimes, a label doesn’t have to have a bunch of crazy shit going on to catch your attention. Sometimes, just a simple label with one color, a logo, and some words does the job. Green Flash doesn’t even bother giving it a stupid name either, just West Coast IPA. I like IPAs. I like the west coast. I’m intrigued.

When the weather is as miserable as it has been, you look for anything to get your mind off of it. For me, that includes periodically checking the weather in San Diego. Have you been to San Diego? The weather there is perfect. You know how pissed you are that it’s 110 degrees for 30 straight days? People in San Diego freak the fuck out when it’s 85 for 1 day.

And the cold? There’s no reason to own a jacket in San Diego, yet if the temperature drops into the 50s, you can guarantee that people are going to be dressed like they’re fucking Edmund Hillary climbing Mt. Everest. So, other than those 10 days a year when it’s a little too hot or a little too cold, the weather is beautiful. There’s a reason why it was voted best place to publicly masturbate.

Even the name of the brewery, Green Flash, gets my mind off the heat. It makes me think of sitting on the beach on the west coast, staring at the sun with my binoculars and waiting for it to turn green. They say if you see a green flash, it means God has diarrhea. I don’t know whether to believe that or not (Do they have Taco Bell in heaven?), but it won’t keep me from trying to see one.

By not covering the label with a bunch of stupid pictures and drawings, Green Flash left plenty of room to tell us a little about the beer. Words like “zest”, “pungency” and “multi-dimensional” really turn me on. And what about being “extravagantly hopped”? I just imagine 4 midgets, dipped in gold, carrying all the hops for each batch on a platter made of Edvard Munch’s The Scream, while Elton John is in the corner playing “Rocket Man” over and over.

How could you not buy this beer? It makes you think of all kinds of things that makes a person happy: the beach, cool temperatures, midgets, and jackin’ it. In fact, I think I’m going to grab a sixer of this and find a way to incorporate all of these things into one big sexy party. (By myself. On my couch. When my wife is gone shopping.)

8.7 / 10 on the Buyability Scale™.

Do you like beer? Me too. Let’s hold hands. We continue this always insightful series with Left Hand Polestar Pilsner.

 Left Hand Polestar Pilsner

Sometimes, the Earth tilts towards the sun in a way that it gets really fucking hot in St. Louis. When it’s really fucking hot, your beer choices tend to change. Your body tends to find lighter beers, like pilsners, more refreshing during this time period. After all, scientists have proven that drinking stouts and porters in the middle of the summer is the number 1 contributor to swamp ass, so STAY AWAY!

So now you’re in the beer store, with a small case of swamp ass (or did you just not wipe good enough? Sometimes it’s hard to tell.), and you’re looking for a pilsner. It’s not hard to see why you might be drawn to this particular one. First of all, the name alone cools you down. Polestar, aka Polaris, aka the North Star. Follow the polestar and you’ll eventually end up at the North Pole, the coldest place on Earth.

You know how Fast Eddie’s brags about having the coldest beer in town? Well, fuck Fast Eddie. Left Hand wants me to make this beer North Pole cold, so I’m going to dip this shit in liquid nitrogen! Nothing makes a 105 degree day feel better than when you’re sipping on a liquid nitrogen cold beer.

But where do you get liquid nitrogen? Make your own! You just need a pop-tart (any flavor), 4 oz of Diet Squirt, and 1 bottle of Vicks VapoRub. Mix these in a blender until the blender breaks. The coolest part about this recipe is that, if you add 1 can of Stag, you just made meth. Meth is another great way to cool down on a hot summer night!

I gravitate towards this label because it also makes me think about space. Space is really fucking cool. There are some really smart dudes and maybe a lady or two (but definitely not this one) that are paid to think about space all the time and we still don’t understand it! Hell, people are still arguing about whether or not Pluto is a planet AND THAT’S IN OUR OWN SOLAR SYSTEM! To put that in perspective, if the entire universe was in a strip club, that would be like arguing about one of the stripper’s pubes.

I once asked a scientist if he thought we would ever find the end of the universe. You know what he said? I can’t remember, I was drunk. That’s exactly what this beer is for: stop the swamp ass, cool down, get drunk, and talk about space like you’re a goddamn astrophysicist, but then forget everything. Hell, that “scientist” was probably a stripper at PT’s.

9.1 / 10 on the Buyability Scale™.

Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Fuck if I know. That’s a stupid phrase. Let’s take a look at the newly reintroduced to Missouri, Bear Republic Hop Rod Rye.

Bear Republic Hop Rod Rye Label

Wow, this is one loud label. Did Guy Fieri design this? Seriously, if this isn’t… *knocked unconscious* GUY FIERI HERE WITH ANOTHER EPISODE OF TRIPLE D! YOU GET IT? DINERS, DRIVE-INS, AND DIVES ALL SHORTENED TO JUST THE FIRST LETTER! I’M HERE IN SAINT LOUIE, GATEWAY TO THE EAST, FILMING A NEW EPISODE, WHEN I SAW THIS BEER LABEL ON THE SHELF AND I WAS LIKE “WOOOOAH! THIS LABEL IS OUTTA BOUNDS!!”

WHEN I THINK OF HOT RODS, THE FIRST THING THAT POPS IN MY HEAD IS MY 1952 CHEVY STUDEBAKER DELUXE ROAD RAMBLER! THIS BABY IS JUST FOUR WHEELS OF SEXINESS! I CAN PICK UP SEXY ROAD BABES LEFT AND RIGHT IN THIS CHICKARINO MAGNET! DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HOW SMOOTH THAT SANSABELT INTERIOR FEELS ON MY BARE ASS! VA VA VA VROOOOOOOM!!!

WHEN I’M LOOKING FOR A BEER, I’M LOOKING FOR A MIKE TYSON PUNCH TO THE TASTE BUDS AND THIS BEER LABEL JUST SCREAMS BOLD FLAVORS! HOPS! RODS! AND RYES!! IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW I’M A HUGE FAN OF RYE! I PUT IT IN EVERYTHING! RYE IS LIKE THE NICKELBACK OF THE FOOD WORLD, CHURNING OUT HIT AFTER ROCKIN’ HIT FOR YEARS! AIR GUITAR!!!!

ANOTHER REASON WHY I LOVE THIS BEER, IS BECAUSE IT’S MADE IN GOOD OLE CALI-FORN-EYE-A! WHEN I’M CRUISING DOWN THE PCH IN SWEET MAGGIE JANE (YOU CAN”T BE MONEY LIKE ME UNLESS YOU NAME YOUR CAR!), SIPPING ON A BODACIOUS BEER LIKE THIS, I CAN’T HELP TO GET A LITTLE TEARY EYED! THAT’S RIGHT, EVEN YOUR BOY GUY “MACHETE” FIERI CRIES SOMETIMES! JUST SO MANY GREAT THINGS ABOUT THIS STATE, INCLUDING JOHNNY GARLIC’S!

THAT’S RIGHT, HEAD ON DOWN TO JOHNNY GARLIC’S AND YOU CAN PAIR THIS KILLER BEER WITH ALL KINDS OF EVEN KILLERER FOOD ITEMS! MAYBE START IF OFF WITH THE ‘NACHO ORDINARY KISS ASS NACHOS!’! FOR THE MAIN COURSE, YOU HAVE TO TRY THE ‘BURGER? I HARDLY KNOW HER!’! OR, IF YOU’RE A PUSSY VEGETARIAN, TRY THE ‘GRASS N’ SHIT VEGGIE BURGER!’! NEXT STOP, FLAVOR TOWN!!!!

WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF TRIPLE D! THERE ARE A LOT OF BEERS OUT THERE, BUT VERY FEW THAT ARE ACTION PACKED WITH BOLD FLAVORS THAT CAN SATISFY YOUR BOY, GUY “FLAVOR GUY” FIERI. AND EVERY BOLD BEER DESERVES A KICK ASS LABEL LIKE THIS! WINNER, WINNER, BEER DINNER!!!

11 / 10 ON GUY’S BODACIOUS BEER BUYING SCALE OF BOLDNESS!

If you’re expecting to learn anything about the label making process or what makes a good label, stop reading now. If you’re still here, let’s take a look at what makes Kräftig Lager tick.

Kraftig Label

I’m a little confused by this label because it says St Louis, MO, but that is clearly a German word. Isn’t there some sort of law that everything on our food and drink has to be in English? I mean, how in the hell are we, as Americans, supposed to know what this means? What if Krätig means AIDS? I doubt anyone knows what it really means.

And what’s up with those balls above the letter ‘a’? I guess Germans got so bored with the alphabet that they just started making up new letters. Oh, look at me, I’m German and the letter ‘a’ just isn’t good enough for me anymore. FUCK YOU GERMAN! Just stick with the 26 letters God gave us.

You know it won’t be long until some fucking hipsters start making up their own letters for the English language. One day, you’ll walk into some hipster restaurant and, on the menu, you’ll see an O without the hole. Maybe you’ll see a backwards C with some stupid glasses on it or an H with a handlebar mustache. I don’t know, I don’t think in hipster.

It’s also interesting to note that they may have unconsciously decided that they didn’t want Jewish people drinking this beer by putting that German word on there. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the Jews have a history with Germans. A history such that I’m often surprised to see Jewish people supporting German companies.

You ever see a Jewish guy in a BMW or wearing Adidas or signing up for a T-Mobile plan? I once saw a nice Jewish lady eating a bratwurst WITH SAUERKRAUT! That just blows my mind. Maybe she did it as a symbol. Forgiveness, right? I don’t know about that. You’ll never find me eating poutine because I’ll never forgive Canada for this shit.

So there you have it. Quite possibly the most uninformative label out there. All we know is that we’re getting a German, hipster, possibly racist lager, that may or may not have AIDS in it. I think I’ll pass.

0.8 / 10 on the Buyability Scale™.

So I asked my 22 year-old sister if she wanted to review a label, and guess what label she picked out? Schlafly Raspberry Hefeweizen.

Schlafly Raspberry Hefeweizen

OH! EM! GEE! RASPBERRIES!!! Beer usually tastes super gross, but any time you put fruit in it, it’ll make it, like, a million times better. Blueberries, raspberries, doesn’t matter. Raspberries are even better cause they make me think of that Prince song.

RASPBERRY BERET! da da da da da da da store. RASPBERRY BERET! I have to text Jennifer that we’re doing this the next time we go to karaoke! You should have seen it, last time, at karaoke, Jennifer was super drunk and was singing “Summer Loving” with Mason and SHE TOTALLY THREW UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SONG!

It was freaking hilarious, but she got real worried cause she kinda likes Mason and I think Mason kinda likes her, but they’re being all weird about it. I told her not to worry cause Mason threw up at the bar last weekend in front of everyone. Then I told her to just let him put his D in her V and get it over with, right? Ugh, drama.

So anyways, Prince is super hot, even though, he’s like 60. Oh my God! Let’s play fuck, marry, kill but with only older dudes. Okay, how about Richard Gere, Bruce Willis, and Wilford Brimley? I would totes fuck Wilford Brimley. Think of how crazy that mustache ride would be! HE’D PROBABLY DIE DURING IT BECAUSE OF HIS DIABETES! LOLOLOL!!

Oh damn, I didn’t even think about diabetes. How many diabetes are in a bottle of Raspberry Hefeweizen? Do diabetes make you fat? HOLY SHIT, they don’t even have that nutrition label thing on the bottle. How am I supposed to know if this will make me fat? I have no idea how many calories are in a raspberry or a hefeweizen!

To be safe, I guess I’ll buy one six pack of this, but only drink like 2, and give the rest to that fat bitch Tara. If you’re watching your figure like I am, you should only drink vodka and red bulls. If you don’t give a shit like the fat bitch Tara, then you’ll probably drink, like, a hundred of these raspberries.

(Ed. note: there is not a Buyability Scale™ score because my sister is “not good at math.”)