So I asked my 22 year-old sister if she wanted to review a label, and guess what label she picked out? Schlafly Raspberry Hefeweizen.
OH! EM! GEE! RASPBERRIES!!! Beer usually tastes super gross, but any time you put fruit in it, it’ll make it, like, a million times better. Blueberries, raspberries, doesn’t matter. Raspberries are even better cause they make me think of that Prince song.
RASPBERRY BERET! da da da da da da da store. RASPBERRY BERET! I have to text Jennifer that we’re doing this the next time we go to karaoke! You should have seen it, last time, at karaoke, Jennifer was super drunk and was singing “Summer Loving” with Mason and SHE TOTALLY THREW UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SONG!
It was freaking hilarious, but she got real worried cause she kinda likes Mason and I think Mason kinda likes her, but they’re being all weird about it. I told her not to worry cause Mason threw up at the bar last weekend in front of everyone. Then I told her to just let him put his D in her V and get it over with, right? Ugh, drama.
So anyways, Prince is super hot, even though, he’s like 60. Oh my God! Let’s play fuck, marry, kill but with only older dudes. Okay, how about Richard Gere, Bruce Willis, and Wilford Brimley? I would totes fuck Wilford Brimley. Think of how crazy that mustache ride would be! HE’D PROBABLY DIE DURING IT BECAUSE OF HIS DIABETES! LOLOLOL!!
Oh damn, I didn’t even think about diabetes. How many diabetes are in a bottle of Raspberry Hefeweizen? Do diabetes make you fat? HOLY SHIT, they don’t even have that nutrition label thing on the bottle. How am I supposed to know if this will make me fat? I have no idea how many calories are in a raspberry or a hefeweizen!
To be safe, I guess I’ll buy one six pack of this, but only drink like 2, and give the rest to that fat bitch Tara. If you’re watching your figure like I am, you should only drink vodka and red bulls. If you don’t give a shit like the fat bitch Tara, then you’ll probably drink, like, a hundred of these raspberries.
(Ed. note: there is not a Buyability Scale™ score because my sister is “not good at math.”)